Speaking of Our Children: The Consequences of Gossip (Lashon Hora)

One of the hardest things I will ever have to write about is “Lashon Hora,” or evil speech or gossip. The reason it will be hard is because I want to focus on the words that we speak and how they affect our own children. It’s a tough one. So here we go. 

First of all, we know gossip is wrong. We do. But for many of us we still continue to engage in it, whether it’s by speaking or listening. It really is hard to resist, especially when we need someone to sympathize with us because we are hurt or even when we hear some juicy drama that is completely irresistible. We know that in the long run, when we engage, it causes damage, hurt, and mistrust. However, we still can’t seem to stop it, especially when we need to  give ourselves that temporary validating fix of “it’s OK.”

Gossip Is an Addiction

Did you know, scientifically speaking, the brain actually releases dopamine, or the “feel good” chemical, when we gossip and even listen to others’ slander? So there is a biological element to this. However, it’s not an excuse. In fact, knowing this makes the need for the Spirit of God much more necessary. Gossip, slander, and hateful speech are an addiction. I’ll write that again. These are an addiction. It makes us feel good about ourselves since when we do it, we are in fact elevating ourselves above the other person. And if we are listening to it, sometimes it makes us feel special and unique because we are let in on something that other people may not know. We can feel included, special, and even have the choice to take sides. When these things occur, we get a dopamine hit. It’s addictive. 

As with many addictions, in order to overcome them, we need the Spirit of God to do His perfect work in our hearts and minds. We need Him to soften our hearts and minds so that we can be humble and honest with ourselves as He provides situations and conversations in our lives that will help us overcome this destructive habit. 

I do pray that this article can be one of those influential seeds that God places in your life. Something that can get you thinking. So let’s dive in deeper.

What Does the Bible Say?

Let’s start by looking at Scripture and seeing what “Lashon Hora” actually is. And to do that, I believe the best place to start is James 3.

In James, he speaks about our tongue or speech, and how it can be like a fire.

“See how so small a fire sets a blaze so great a forest!  And the tongue is a fire. The tongue is a world of evil placed among our body parts. It pollutes the whole body and sets on fire the course of life—and is set on fire by Gehenna” (James 3:5-6).

He also speaks about how the tongue is “a restless evil, full of deadly poison” (James 3:8).

No joke - it is powerful and destructive, not only to the individual but to the entire family or community. 

But I Need to Vent

I get it though, as a parent who is stuck inside a home, hours on end with no adult in sight, caretaking, serving, doing all the things for our little ones. Getting frustrated can be an understatement. Loneliness, lack of self-esteem, drive, patience - these things can really take a hold of you. You crave someone to speak to, someone to share in your frustrations and to hear what you have to say. Someone even to validate your feelings. Oftentimes this is when a pattern of gossiping and bad-mouthing our kids can start.

But first, before I move on, I want to address our attitudes as a parents. Because essentially this is really the root of it all. 

“Do all things without grumbling or disputing, that you may be blameless and innocent, children of God without blemish in the midst of a crooked and twisted generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world” (Philippians 2:14-15).

If we are not truly focused on loving and caring for our children the way Messiah intends us to do, bitterness and frustration can become our major stumbling block. Our focus gets off of what He wants for us and on to ourselves and what we want. That results in grumbling and complaining. 

 “I deserve better.”

“Where is my free time?”

“This isn’t fair.”

“They are just so annoying!”

Now when we get to speak with a friend while holding onto these hurts, we may tend to be a little more real with our words. The ugly comes out. Why? Because we relax, open up, and sometimes speak not so kindly about our children. One result of these actions can be the creation of an untrue identity. Stay with me here. As we speak unkind words, and the person on the other end is listening, they may start to believe what you are saying is completely true. Even worse if the kids are around. If they hear you, they may actually take on that identity.

For example, when you tell your friend that your child whines too much and is so annoying, if the child hears this they may start to think that whining is part of their identity. That’s what they do because you said so. And it amplifies and may even lead to more problems in the future. 

With all of this being said, which is incredibly devastating, it is okay to look at it from a different angle.  There are times when expressing our concerns with others is okay. In fact, it can be healthy.  In a mature environment, with no kids around, when you as a parent are reaching out for advice and support, and with an understanding that your struggles need to be helped -  expressing your specific concerns about your child can actually result in healing and a change in behavior on your part. We can gain insight from others and grow as individuals. It can also create a stronger bond between you and your friend as you support each other positively through the struggles. 

Not to sound like a broken record, but like I mentioned before, it comes down to the parent’s attitude and motivation. If your motivation is focused on the need for someone to validate your feelings and you do this by speaking harshly about your child, then it has reached over into the slanderous “Lashon Hora” side. 

“Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Messiah Yeshua” (Philippians 2:3).

It is a fine line that we walk when speaking about others, and I truly believe in examining your heart before you open your mouth. And honestly, after you open your mouth too. Because many times we don’t really realize we spoke slanderously until after the offense has occurred. In that case, repentance is the only true path to take. But we can’t try to hide that sin from ourselves. We have to be honest.

“The good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth what is good, and the evil man out of the evil treasure brings forth what is evil; for his mouth speaks from that which fills his heart” (‭‭Luke‬ ‭6‬:‭45‬).

What comes out of our mouths reveals our hearts. It reveals our hearts to others and also to ourselves, so we should be mindful and observant of what is said.  

One red flag for slander, for example, would be if the person listening to you starts to take sides. Backs you up by speaking unkindly. If that happens, you may have crossed the line.

Another red flag may be when your word choices become cruel labels: annoying, stubborn, mean, a pain, stupid, etc. This can be a sign of slander and bitterness in your heart, and we should reevaluate ourselves as quickly as possible.

These are just a couple of red flags that are obviously crossing over and something to be aware of. 

From a Child’s Perspective

Now I am going to switch gears a little bit.  I just spoke about what’s going on on our end. The parent’s end. But what about our children? Here are some thoughts.

When our children are young -  babies, toddlers, preschoolers, and even children - they cannot defend themselves verbally. In fact, most of them are relying on you to speak for them, to be their advocate. You are one of the few people in their lives who is meant to protect them, both physically and emotionally.   And when that one person slanders and gossips about them, the ramifications can be severely destructive in their lives. 

Now a preteen or teenager can truly hear and understand our words, and many do not shy away from expressing themselves in defense. However, it still comes back to who you are in their lives. You are their parents, and your words mean the world to them. Even if they never express it. 

Now that they can understand you, when you gossip, they process this information with the mind of a young teen or preteen. Mistrust, bitterness, feeling of being unloved and unprotected are some emotions that they may experience. Instead of someone that they can lean on, you have acted as their adversary. It’s very hard and painful for a teenager to process, and the results can be even more painful for both of you and everyone involved. 

But if this isn’t bad enough, they are learning how to handle their bitterness and hurt from you. The cycle of gossiping and slander continues, of course, unless it is stopped. 

And one way to stop this cycle…. Read on! 

Reversing the Cycle

“Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you” (Philippians 4:8-9).

This is how we stop it. By first of all relying on the Spirit of God to change our hearts. And then grasping the Word of God and following its instructions. Become an optimist in a sense. Focus on the good things and positive traits your kids do. Give them compliments, remind them when they follow directions how helpful they are and how much you appreciate them. 

Of course, this doesn’t mean you should stop disciplining and addressing their sin. That must always be addressed in a lovely and firm manner. But I think many of us can honestly say that it’s easier to focus on the negative. Therefore, it takes a little more effort to focus and bring attention to the positive. 

Guilty as Charged

I believe we can all admit we have spoken unkindly about our children to others. Some of us more than others. But regardless of the severity, it is still a sin, and our hearts need to be examined. 

I mentioned earlier that it is a work that the Spirit of God Himself needs to do in our hearts. We cannot do this alone. But He has given us His Word to guide us. Therefore, if nothing else, getting ourselves focused and on Him is vital. 

“But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you” (Romans 12:10).

Many would agree that it is not an easy habit to quit. In fact, it’s human nature to engage in gossip and slander. It helps us to elevate ourselves, create fictional yet believable character traits in others, manipulate thoughts and situations through gossip, control what people think of others, and make ourselves look like the one who is in the right, ultimately making us look like a little gods.

“Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up” (James 4:10).

If we can remember and embrace that it is God’s job to lift someone up, not ours, then we can be in a good place and hopefully eliminate the need to gossip in our lives. 

Now the very thought of all of this, all the pain and division it can cause a person, family, and even community, I know none of us would ever want to be involved with it. Yet, sometimes we are, and we all have to admit it’s a difficult one to overcome. 

With our children, we know it's a sin to hold onto those little offenses we take when they demand things and time. They have the ability to suck us dry with no remorse or care. 

Yes, they are little sinners. But 1 Peter 4:8 reminds us, “Above all, keep your love for one another constant, for “love covers a multitude of sins.” This includes our kids and teens and even adult children as well. Even when they have the ability to make good choices and then don’t. We are called to check our attitudes, love them, and keep watch over our mouths.