Speaking of Our Children: The Consequences of Gossip (Lashon Hora)

One of the hardest things I will ever have to write about is “Lashon Hora,” or evil speech or gossip. The reason it will be hard is because I want to focus on the words that we speak and how they affect our own children. It’s a tough one. So here we go. 

First of all, we know gossip is wrong. We do. But for many of us we still continue to engage in it, whether it’s by speaking or listening. It really is hard to resist, especially when we need someone to sympathize with us because we are hurt or even when we hear some juicy drama that is completely irresistible. We know that in the long run, when we engage, it causes damage, hurt, and mistrust. However, we still can’t seem to stop it, especially when we need to  give ourselves that temporary validating fix of “it’s OK.”

Gossip Is an Addiction

Did you know, scientifically speaking, the brain actually releases dopamine, or the “feel good” chemical, when we gossip and even listen to others’ slander? So there is a biological element to this. However, it’s not an excuse. In fact, knowing this makes the need for the Spirit of God much more necessary. Gossip, slander, and hateful speech are an addiction. I’ll write that again. These are an addiction. It makes us feel good about ourselves since when we do it, we are in fact elevating ourselves above the other person. And if we are listening to it, sometimes it makes us feel special and unique because we are let in on something that other people may not know. We can feel included, special, and even have the choice to take sides. When these things occur, we get a dopamine hit. It’s addictive. 

As with many addictions, in order to overcome them, we need the Spirit of God to do His perfect work in our hearts and minds. We need Him to soften our hearts and minds so that we can be humble and honest with ourselves as He provides situations and conversations in our lives that will help us overcome this destructive habit. 

I do pray that this article can be one of those influential seeds that God places in your life. Something that can get you thinking. So let’s dive in deeper.

What Does the Bible Say?

Let’s start by looking at Scripture and seeing what “Lashon Hora” actually is. And to do that, I believe the best place to start is James 3.

In James, he speaks about our tongue or speech, and how it can be like a fire.

“See how so small a fire sets a blaze so great a forest!  And the tongue is a fire. The tongue is a world of evil placed among our body parts. It pollutes the whole body and sets on fire the course of life—and is set on fire by Gehenna” (James 3:5-6).

He also speaks about how the tongue is “a restless evil, full of deadly poison” (James 3:8).

No joke - it is powerful and destructive, not only to the individual but to the entire family or community. 

But I Need to Vent

I get it though, as a parent who is stuck inside a home, hours on end with no adult in sight, caretaking, serving, doing all the things for our little ones. Getting frustrated can be an understatement. Loneliness, lack of self-esteem, drive, patience - these things can really take a hold of you. You crave someone to speak to, someone to share in your frustrations and to hear what you have to say. Someone even to validate your feelings. Oftentimes this is when a pattern of gossiping and bad-mouthing our kids can start.

But first, before I move on, I want to address our attitudes as a parents. Because essentially this is really the root of it all. 

“Do all things without grumbling or disputing, that you may be blameless and innocent, children of God without blemish in the midst of a crooked and twisted generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world” (Philippians 2:14-15).

If we are not truly focused on loving and caring for our children the way Messiah intends us to do, bitterness and frustration can become our major stumbling block. Our focus gets off of what He wants for us and on to ourselves and what we want. That results in grumbling and complaining. 

 “I deserve better.”

“Where is my free time?”

“This isn’t fair.”

“They are just so annoying!”

Now when we get to speak with a friend while holding onto these hurts, we may tend to be a little more real with our words. The ugly comes out. Why? Because we relax, open up, and sometimes speak not so kindly about our children. One result of these actions can be the creation of an untrue identity. Stay with me here. As we speak unkind words, and the person on the other end is listening, they may start to believe what you are saying is completely true. Even worse if the kids are around. If they hear you, they may actually take on that identity.

For example, when you tell your friend that your child whines too much and is so annoying, if the child hears this they may start to think that whining is part of their identity. That’s what they do because you said so. And it amplifies and may even lead to more problems in the future. 

With all of this being said, which is incredibly devastating, it is okay to look at it from a different angle.  There are times when expressing our concerns with others is okay. In fact, it can be healthy.  In a mature environment, with no kids around, when you as a parent are reaching out for advice and support, and with an understanding that your struggles need to be helped -  expressing your specific concerns about your child can actually result in healing and a change in behavior on your part. We can gain insight from others and grow as individuals. I